i’m so frustrated with everything, i woke up this morning in a good mood too. i barely got any homework done. tomorrow’s going to be a long day.
i’m trying to make friends but oh god it’s so hard and tiring and unrewarding and thankless. i’m too tired to deal with people but i’m too lonely not to.
maranda and i watched treasure planet and i gushed about it to gilbert and then i remembered why i never ever gush to people ever, never again. i remembered THAT’S what i’ve been keeping hidden all this time, what i try to never let people see outside of a small circle, and even then i am always sad and embarrassed afterward. it wasn’t even craig that did that, though he did cement it.
never open up to people. you are a horrible flood. you are just too much. no one wants that.
i try to box myself in, to be quieter, to distract people with stories about my depression and mood swings because those are clinical things that have a defined structure. or stories about horrible things that happened or adventures i had because they’re things that happened to me instead of actually me. i can’t get hurt when people are annoyed about something that’s not my fault and they try to hurt me that way. it doesn’t work. it’s when i talk about how my father never loved me or or my mother beat me or my favorite song or treasure planet or why i want to go to space that people get the info that actually hurts. and i accidentally gave gilbert a few of those cards and now i want to cry and i regret it so much even though i’m trying to be open and make friends i just can’t do it again. not again. not with a man, especially. not with someone who tried to lash out at me just yesterday but didn’t have anything to hurt me with except “you’re just faking liking me” and all that did was give me pause.
i don’t want friends but i need people so desperately haha. it sucks.
welcome to procrastination station