cosmosOgler

I don’t remember what I dreamed. I went to bed at 11:30 and watched my desktop change a few times so it must have taken me 30 or 40 minutes to stop looking. I just felt really bad. I woke up a lot during the night and lately when I’ve been waking up I can’t hear out of one ear. I guess it means I don’t have to hear the other people in my dorm banging around. I always get nervous when I see them. 

I can get my stuff soon though. Then I can shower and actually put on clean clothes and go to the lounge and maybe other people will be there. I don’t feel excited though. I don’t feel anything. Craig was on for a few minutes and I wasn’t even happy to see him or sad to see him go.

Woke up at nine or ten. It felt pretty great. 

I mean, I woke up several times during the night, and once when the sun was just coming up, but I didn’t feel the need to actually get up until after nine. And that felt great. Actually it felt terrible since I got up because I couldn’t hear out of one ear and it felt like I was fifty feet underwater. But a shower more or less fixed that.

I went all the way to the McDonald’s and got myself a fruit salad. I only found the veggie “snack wrap” on their menu after I’d ordered my food though. I felt really sick after I finished the salad and fries but it was so nice having something solid in my stomach. I took a walk to get rid of the wrenching pains in my gut. I went the opposite way I usually do and everything looked completely new. It was maybe refreshing? I mostly felt hot and heavy and wet though. I couldn’t even keep my clothes on when I got back to my room. I left everything hanging on the AC unit trying to get the humidity out of it. I did not succeed.

Oh, I also beat Torchlight so I never have to pick it up again! I beat Ordrak and he’s gone and done and I am completely ignoring the “OR IS IT???” ending because I don’t want to play any more. Thank Darwin. 

See, the thing is… when the motivation for your character is that there’s a time limit on their life, you have to SHOW the effects for there to be any sense of urgency at all. It happened in Sonic and the Secret Rings, too. He’s got that flaming arrow that the main villain shot him with in the first cutscene but it doesn’t actually change anything about the game. You know he isn’t going to take the arrow out if Sonic picks up all his groceries. And with my character in Torchlight there’s this vague “corruption” slowly doing… something vague? “All it’s done so far is make you stronger, but SOON IT WILL MAKE YOU EVIL!” was the excuse. There was no urgency. The one other character in the game was all rushing around constantly and I was just trundling along behind her all the time because there was no hurry at all other than wanting to put the game down.

Craig felt sick so he didn’t want to talk to me today. I don’t want to think this way but it really reminds me of how Megan seems to treat me. I’m so afraid that once he doesn’t need me any more he’s going to not want to be friends. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this at all, no one who knows Craig better or even at all, no one who understands. He said he would let me talk a little more two days ago but that didn’t happen. I guess it’s my fault. I feel too awkward talking about myself anyway. Even Brendan tends to steamroll over me in conversations and they are as passive as I am. Actually so is Craig. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m afraid he is going to stop caring.

I went for another walk after I ate the rest of my crackers because I was tired of sitting and I had nothing to do. But I forgot to put on my shirt so I was running around in my jacket. It was okay though. I just listened to music. I was out for an hour but it felt like longer. My vision was swimming again. I felt like I was under water and the pressure was crushing me and the surface and everyone else was so, so far away and shimmering even just in my thoughts because there was no one actually there in person. I’m starting to hear things that aren’t there. I guess because there’s nothing else to hear. Jamming my buds in my ears and turning up my music and listening to songs over and over again until I actually comprehend that I’m hearing them helps.

I guess I’m not having any conversations today.

time to eat pudding

At one in the morning.

With no spoon.

I have a headache.

 It started pouring right before the sun came up so the room was ice cold. Bugs got in so I had ants all over my desk even though all my food was sealed. Slept long enough to have nightmares. I don’t remember what they were about any more. I remembered when I woke up though! I should have written them down then. But I played Torchlight instead. That game is ruining my life. I’m at the final boss but I died so now I have to grind so I can beat him next time. I will definitely finish it tomorrow and then I can kick it across the field and never pick it up again. God dang. I need to look at another game just to get it out of my head. I hate it but it’s taunting me. I need something better to do. Too tired to program.

Last night I looked like I had caught on fire. All of my face and arms and legs were red from sunburn. This morning it looked better so that’s good. My arms were really sore from using them as pillows and my legs were really sore from my six- or seven-mile walk after hiding in my room at my house for a week and a half.

I took a shorter walk today. I went to a pizza place and got a pizza with artichokes and olives and garlic and dried tomatoes and it was really good. I should have gotten more than one slice but I was too nervous to ask for more. I asked the cashier if it was okay to get two slices, if he didn’t mind, but he didn’t hear me. So I only had the one. I went to return the canned cheese to the store but I got too nervous and I just bought a new can instead. I was too embarrassed to try and get money back over an edible manufactured substance. I should have returned it. I didn’t want to see anyone any more though so I just went back to my dorm with pudding and granola bars and the replacements. Then I realized I didn’t have any spoons because they are all stuck in storage with the rest of my things.

I might be too nervous to call the psychiatrist after the holiday… or the therapist or the people who can get my stuff out of storage. If I’m too nervous to even order food how am I supposed to take care of myself?

I killed ants and played computer games for a while until Craig came on. He’d had a particularly terrible day. He’s losing it. I feel so bad. I wish I could feel worse. I wish I knew what to say to him. He seemed calm or just tired enough to talk about something else after two hours. He has a whole week left… and he’s starting to show some of my own symptoms which I know isn’t good. Like he accidentally burned himself with hot soup and didn’t even feel it until later. He said it hurt more that people were staring at him. 

We teamed up to make a plot that was probably legitimately a little evil. We both agreed it was completely logical though, all things considered. He said he’s done reminding his mom to mind her sugar intake because she has type 2 diabetes and she never listens to him anyway. She just eats desserts constantly and he used to try to tell her not to. So he’s tired of that. And really she should be taking care of herself. She forces him to baby her and then treats him like he’s two years old. She’s really creepy and scary and I wish she didn’t exist. She doesn’t take care of herself at all. She makes Craig do everything. It’s like something out of a bizarre fairy tale. But it’s real. I don’t think my mind is processing that properly so I’m going to make a note for later to make sure my mind is properly blown.

It really happens to him every day. Things like this happen to many people every day. Do they happen to me every day? I don’t know.

I’m watching my friend fall apart and fade away and there’s nothing i can say or do about it to really help. it’s awful. i wish i could tell him how much i care. i miss him.

I’m shivering again. But I had a bunch of crackers and my other two poptarts for dinner so I think I’ll be okay tonight. Craig reminded me that seti@home really gets the computer heated up so I’m going to have that running and pull my mattress over closer to the desk tonight I think. Slowly learning to adapt to sleeping on a mat!

I’m so cold and numb. More than physically. I miss people. The astros. They don’t know or understand how Craig and I feel but they care a little bit and it’s nice to have someone to see and goof off with. Even that helps sometimes. Not with everything, but it at least forces me to think and try to stay focused on reality. Otherwise I’m just kind of drifting in space again and I can’t even see Earth any more because it went on vacation.

dairinecallahan:

i have transcended physical existence and now exist only as my blog

(Source: baticeer)

I didn’t have a crush on him.

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Today was weird!

I woke up and played Torchlight for a while until Craig came on. I don’t know why I keep playing it. Action-RPGs are kind of fun but the story just isn’t there and there’s no actual role playing even though the three character choices are very stylized. I guess it’s something to do. I tend to lose track of time while playing it but I can tell I’m bored and antsy after 40 minutes. Is that what it feels like to play an MMORPG? I’d better make a note not to buy any then. It feels like it’s forcing me to play.

When Craig left I figured I’d grab some lunch and head over to the store for soap and maybe a pillow, then I’d grab Craig’s bedsheets because he let me borrow them and Brian unlocked the lounge for me yesterday.

That went poorly. Every dining area was closed, I checked them all and I was dizzy from hunger, and the lounge was locked again. I’m going to have another bad night. I resolved to get everything I needed at the store. So I went that way. And then I kept walking. I forgot to stop.  I figured I would get lunch at one of the restaurants along the road. But as I got walking I didn’t feel hungry any more. I kept walking and walking and not feeling like eating at any of the restaurants and not feeling hungry any more. I walked until I got two or three towns over. I completely lost track of time. I checked my purse. I’d forgotten to bring my cell phone. My iPod, which had a clock, was dead. My leg was hurting so bad, my knee felt all wobbly and every step felt like a hammer against my kneecap and I was sucking air through my teeth and then I was hyperventilating and I noticed I wasn’t breathing right so I took deeper breaths and kept going. I walked until my knee didn’t even hurt any more, or my stomach. It all started coming back after maybe an hour and my other leg hurt too. So I trudged all the way back to the grocery store and I got some canned cheese because I love that stuff. 

My sunglasses were in summer storage so my eyes were hurting and everything was too bright, and my bag was in summer storage so I had to use plastic bags. They didn’t have any pillows or soft things I could use for my bed mat. I didn’t talk to the woman at the counter. I just touched my hand to my eyebrow in a sort of salute as I left. 

I got back to my room and I noticed my hands were shaking. I must have been hungry. I went to get my cheese and the dang thing was broken. It was full but nothing was coming out. I was so frustrated. I have to wait until tomorrow to return it because I just didn’t have the energy to go all the way back. I dug into my box of poptarts instead. I’m thinking I’ll grab something at the McDonald’s by the store tomorrow just to have something warm and solid to eat. On the plus side I took a shower that was too hot for a while but I turned it down and I also got to wash myself off with soap and shampoo instead of just water.

I talked to Craig for a while. My thoughts were really foggy. I couldn’t hold numbers in my head when we were doing some math. I couldn’t program at all. I want to write the blackjack program but I’m so hungry I can barely think. I felt that Craig was being very insensitive to my bad humor and I had to leave because I was about to cry. I think I hurt his feelings. But he apologized before he went to bed. I thought I owed him the apology.

So I’m sleeping on the cold mat again. Maybe it will go better tonight. I’m going to try leaving the windows open so warm air comes in. I don’t know how to turn the AC on heating. I messed around with it a lot this afternoon.