went to class today. i mentioned to the professor that i was having trouble figuring out how to write kyral, trying to make someone with a penchant for melodrama and terrible mood swings sympathetic and likable is very difficult for me. maybe because i have the same habits and i hate myself. but she immediately said i’d figure it out, and the way she said it, like she was stating a fact AND being reassuring, was enough to help me feel a little better about it. i’m trying to find ways to write him in my journals anyway. most of those are turning out alright, it’s just when i write him in first person that i run into trouble.
then rilie came over to me and asked what was hard about him. i said that he isn’t exactly a good person, but he is supposed to be learning, and i don’t want the reader to lose patience with him. she asked if he was hot. i said no, and he is also a lizard man. she said oh. then i said if he was human, though, he’d be indian. she asked if i meant native american indian or “curry indian”, and i said oh my god, indian indian, and she said ew gross. then she went on a tirade about how indian people are the worst ever and i slowly put my hands over my mouth and caught jenny’s eye, who was standing on the other side of the desk, and she said jesus christ.
i said “rilie you are being a little racist right now” and she said “i’m not racist” and i said “that’s not what i said, i said you were SOUNDING racist RIGHT NOW” and then we continued the discussion outside.
it didn’t bother me very much, honestly, mostly because jenny and i kept laughing as rilie dug herself in deeper and deeper. that and she’s just a little baby, she’s like two and a half years younger than me, i figure she’ll grow out of it. maybe i felt better because there was a third party who was clearly on my side since we kept catching each other’s eyes.
other than that i got more outlining done and i wrote about a page of my short story. i spent most of my time writing doing research on french forests though. on the plus side now i have a much better mental picture of what’s going on with these guys, and sort of ideas for what post-magic-apocalypse europe will look like. i also narrowed down my title choices to 3 instead of 7. and i applied for a job at staples! the resume helped out a lot.
still digging my nails into my skin. but i can’t tell if it’s a habit now or a restless thing or me actually trying to hurt myself. also i dreamed that my mother dropped me off at a sex parlor and basically said “when i come back you better not be a virgin.” i’m having sexuality dreams this week i guess. the worst ones are the ones where mom is all smug and knowing and i want to prove her wrong but then i don’t? and i feel ashamed and not right, because that isn’t what i wanted at all, it isn’t what i wanted at any point, and i can’t figure out why it happened.
but the sex parlor one was funny because i basically fell asleep in the bed by myself for a while and then when there was another couple in the office thing with me i asked if they wanted to hang out and play video games instead. i ended up walking out by myself and i ended up in, like, a swamp dungeon. but i felt more like myself and less like a train on rails to the trauma station.
student: hey government can I have some money to go to university
uk government: sure here you go. you'll have to pay it back but only when you're earning £21,000+ a year, and if you don't pay it off after 30 years we'll just write it off, don't worry about it man
scottish government: nah man just go to uni we ain't gonna charge you
us government: no. you gotta pay it yourself. upfront. your parents have to save up from the moment you're born. good luck, fucker. you have six months after graduating to start paying loans so you better pray to fucking god and jesus that you have a well-paying job by then or be prepared to be fucked up the ass without lube.
The UK government may sound pretty good when you put it like this, but just a heads up- they about tripled the amount you had to borrow to pay for the courses a few years back, and now they are so ASTONISHED!!!! that suddenly a lot of students are not paying anything back after they graduate, that they are throwing up their hands and selling people's loans off to private collection firms.
Which is terrifying when you consider that these private collection companies have pretty much nothing policing them in how much interest they charge or how they collect, and that the kids who agreed to borrow the money have no control over this and thought they were going to be paying it back to the government, not some random agency with a policy of 300% interest/calling you at work to threaten you/sending someone round to kneecap you if you don't cough up.
today i finished my short story outline, i made sure my transcript was received, i got my meds, i saw the therapist, i applied for a job at barnes and noble, i made a basic resume, and i watched the eclipse. and i still found time to hang out with my friends a little bit on skype.
very busy day. i’m exhausted.
don’t want to sleep though. i had nasty grody dreams. there was one cool part where i was a werewolf and then the full moon came out but that got nasty pretty fast too. i liked feeling powerful and fast but it wasn’t really worth the other stuff. now that i think about it, i don’t actually want to think about it any more.
the eclipse was fun to watch. i got out my pokemon game and my camera and i took videos and rambled about random garbage. i don’t show anyone those videos any more, really, i barely even watch them myself, but it’s nice to record them.
tomorrow i plan on maybe applying for one more job, and asking about jobs on campus over the summer. and i plan on writing a lot, and maybe having breakfast again, because that was nice this morning. hopefully i’ll get more strawberries out of the special k bag next time.
man, i don’t want to sleep… i talked to my therapist about it a little bit but she never really seems to comment on them. maybe she doesn’t know what to say. she said that, contrary to what my psychiatrist said, the things i am dreaming about are nightmares. i guess i was hoping for counsel. but i don’t have my high school therapist any more. i’m on my own as far as dreams go. and that’s kind of disheartening.
i wish they didn’t take up so much of my time during the day, just getting an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach if i stand still and think for too long, or if i see something that brings up an image, or a face. lately i can’t remember a night where i DIDN’T have dreams/bad dreams/nightmares/day dreams/whatever the hell people are calling them these days. when i was a full-time student, i guess i was so exhausted that i either didn’t have or didn’t remember my dreams at least two or three days out of the week, so i’d only be bummed out two-thirds of the time instead of all the time.
though when i was a full-time student i also went crazy and drew murals on the whiteboards when no one was in the room. and also cut myself. so maybe it’s better this way.
i guess when it comes right down to it, i wish i was someone else. learning to accept that this is just the way things are going to be forever is driving me to despair. it has been for a while though. one of the things that makes me want to die, really.
i got a little dark there for a minute. i promise i had a good day. i’m grouchy because i don’t want to sleep but i’m tired and i know i have to.